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The Scorched Earth Party Fairy
Little Timmy had been watching Carl Sagan talk about space all day on the open learning channel when suddenly the Scorched Earth Party Fairy appeared. She was a wispy, delicate little thing, hovering there before Timmy in her white dress, her little wings buzzing away as hard as they could in order to keep her and her rather heavy lead pipe in the air. "Who are you?" asked Timmy, who was a bit clueless. "I'm the Scorched… Earth.. Party.. FAIRY," she said, whacking Timmy across the side of his head with her lead pipe for emphasis and almost losing her balance in the air, "and, fuck knows why, pinball brain, but I've been sent to grant you a wish. So hurry the fuck up." Timmy was so excited he didn't know whether to stop breathing, wet himself or wonder why a fairy used so many cuss words. He hopped up and down on the spot for a few moments, going "ooh, ooh" and only another timely whack from the Scorched Earth Party Fairy prompted him to squawk, "Oh, Scorched Earth Party Fairy, I'd like to go to the moon!" The Scorched Earth Party Fairy was about to wave her wand when suddenly Timmy remembered the last time a representative from the Scorched Earth Party had granted him a wish… he'd told all his friends about how he'd been France's Minister for External Affairs for twenty minutes – almost long enough to order a nuclear strike on Wales – and none of them had believed him. "A-and I want it to be on television, so all my friends can see me!" The Scorched Earth Party Fairy gave him a nasty grin, handed him a Sony Handicam and said, "I was about to suggest that myself. Now, Timmy, take a de-e-e-ep breath… cross your fingers… one… two… THREE!" There was a brilliant flash of light and Timmy was suddenly transported to the moon! He fell to the blazing hot surface, dropping the handicam and exhaling explosively, because he had neglected to ask the Scorched Earth Party Fairy for a space suit. Fortunately, the camera fell to the surface facing him, so all his friends could watch him writhe about in the dust; it even landed close enough for them to see the veins in his eyes bursting. And, despite what you saw in that Schwarzenegger film, his eyes didn't swell up and explode. But he died anyway, because the Scorched Earth Party Fairy hadn't agreed to bring him back. The moral of this story is: don't rely on Schwarzenegger films to teach you about biology and physics. Well, no, the moral of the story is, run like buggery when you see the Scorched Earth Party Fairy appear. |
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